I have been angry with how I was treated by my first host family and instead of focusing on how I can heal on my own, I have wanted to detail everything that happened to me and keep it as part of my memory instead of letting it be a part of my history that I can learn from and move on from. I finally did that this summer when I went back to France. I took a day to go back to Vernon so I could forgive and move on with my life. I wanted to let go of everything so that France became a refuge again.
I remember walking from the train station to their house. Even though I hadn’t walked that route for over a year, I still remembered it perfectly. I passed the places I used to frequent, and got sad when I saw that my favorite coffee shop had become a shoe store. I felt so scared walking down the street to my old house, worried that one of the neighbors would see me and wonder what I was doing back in Vernon. I didn’t see any neighbors, but I stood in front of my house, thinking about everything I did in that house, everything that I experienced.
And I started crying. I was suddenly grateful for everything that had happened. I didn’t feel any anger toward my host parents, though I had been angry ever since I left. I wanted them to feel like they had made me feel. I wanted them to hate themselves for what they did. And a lot of that came back to me and it was all I could focus on when I talked about France. I would start things with, “Yeah, my second family was incredible, BUT MY FIRST FAMILY WAS A NIGHTMARE.”
I let it hang on me for a long time. My parents kept telling me to let it go. I never wanted to go back to Vernon if I could help it. How could I face a town where so many bad things had happened? It wasn’t fair that I didn’t see the town for what it is. Vernon is a lovely place that has some really incredible people. I just got the short end of the stick when I was there and instead of making the best of a bad situation, I let everything go and never saw what I had originally loved about Vernon when I was finally far away. I let what happened taint my view of a really cool place.
When I finally had the courage to ring the doorbell, I was afraid that Armelle would open the window on the third floor and yell down to ask who it was. And if I responded that it was me, I was afraid that she would tell me that I was an evil person who shouldn’t have come back and then slam the window shut without any other explanation. That didn’t happen.
I hoped that she would come down to the gate and invite me in to talk about what happened and how both of us could have handled the situation better, then tell me all was forgiven and introduce me to her new baby, who I learned about, just as I was leaving. That didn’t happen either.
Instead, the house stayed silent, and I looked up at the window where my room had been and I cried. And I forgave. I forgave Armelle and Olivier for treating me like a servant. I forgave them for the burns and the way they treated me after that. I forgave myself for leaving the way I did. And I know that’s not a cure-all and that I still have to work to figure out how to really turn France back into a refuge, but I took the first step. And I am proud of myself for doing at least that.
I’m not in France, unfortunately, but I did go this summer. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my time with my second family, who are the coolest people I’ve ever met. One of their favorite things to do is throw parties. They LOVE parties.
Well, one of the things they loved best about parties was that they could introduce me to their friends, who had no clue that I speak French. They would very deliberately introduce me as, “Marley. She’s American!”
From there, the fun would start.
See, my host parents never let anyone know that I spoke fluent French and was completely aware of everything that was happening at the party. They had no idea that twenty minutes before they got there, I was having a conversation about whatever with my host mom. We mostly talked about work and life.
I love my host mom.
Anyway, we’d all sit down to have our aperitif and we’d watch as everyone tried to talk to me in English. I generally would have a hard time pulling it off because I’m a really bad liar. But sometimes, we would get someone really good. They’d start to have a conversation with me or mention to my host parents that “wow, she’s really good at French customs!” and then somebody would throw out something completely complicated in French to me and I’d respond in about the same way, and then everyone would laugh because my host parents succeeded in pulling off what they thought was the greatest joke of all time.
I just sometimes reflect on my time with them and feel glad that I got out of the situation I did. I’m so lucky to have had such an incredible family for my last four months in France.
What adventures I had this year. Especially the first 8 months of this year. Wow.
January was a weekend in Paris by myself with nothing but the Louvre to guide me on my way.
February was a day in Paris by myself, sitting in front of Notre Dame for hours before Shakespeare and Company opened.
March was a different adventure, but it got me to Vichy.
April was skiing and Star Wars and Napoleon III. And the storming of a castle with Kylo Ren and Darth Vader.
May was medieval.
June was the endless month before summer, filled with dance and a fair and a fabulous birthday.
July was bittersweet, filled with weeks of adventures around town and in new places. And familiar ones as well.
August was coming home and finding a job I love that lets me keep my love of France so near.
September and October were pretty nice, but mostly just filled with fun weekends with friends.
November was a new job and Universal.
December was fun. I met some great people and caught up with old friends and got to see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in concert. Not complaining there.
The one weekend I spent in Paris in January was nice. I decided early in the day that I wanted to take a day to explore Paris by myself. So, I did. I started out in the 2nd arrondissement of Paris at Le Camion Qui Fume. I had my breakfast of a burger, fries, and a coke there before wandering over to the Louvre, where I decided to find the Mona Lisa and to try to understand her importance. I ended up in an exhibit on Islamic art, which taught me a lot about the history of the religion as well as introduced me to poetry I never would have discovered anywhere else. I also saw how Napoleon III lived and was blown away by how much money he had. I should have prepared myself for Vichy that day, but I didn’t know that I would be there so soon.
I saw the Mona Lisa and took a selfie with it. What a change from the ten years before when I had been allowed to see the painting up close because I was so small. I got lost in an exhibit about Star Wars. Voldemort was there, too, since it was really an exhibit about villains, but most of it belonged to Star Wars and Darth Vader. Upon leaving that exhibit, I found myself in a room that seemingly had no exit, circling white statues again and again until I found a sign pointing to the exhibit about the Louvre in medieval times. I walked through, enthralled by the change in temperature going underground brought, along with the way the entire floor was lit dimly, so as to transport me back in time.
When I finally made my way out of the Louvre, I don’t remember much about what I did besides buying myself a birthday present of A Moveable Feast and sitting in front of Notre Dame, where I made friends with a Polish girl who was in France for the first time. We took pictures of each other in front of the cathedral, then we talked for a minute, just two strangers sharing a moment in Paris. That was what January brought to me this year.
In February, I left Blois a few days earlier than my host family and spent another day in Paris. This time, I arrived at seven in the morning with a giant backpack on my back, weighing at least 20 pounds. I carried it around Paris proudly that day, spending most of it hidden away in Shakespeare and Company, where I read a book of poetry in the Children’s Room on the second floor, watching the people as they passed me by. I spent the afternoon in the Luxembourg Gardens enjoying the sunshine before wandering the streets to the Pompidou Center, where I came across Gertrude Stein’s apartment. It was interesting to see what happened when I stopped trying to be a tourist and began to just wander the city as an inhabitant. I found something I would never have found otherwise. I had a nice day in Paris, even if I was ready to rip my backpack off by 6 that night.
March was burning hot (pun intended). I got to see the inside of a French Emergency room. And my host mom saw my boobs and still used “vous”. What an adventure. I don’t know if I will ever have an experience like it again, but I’m glad to have experienced it since it gave me the push I needed to leave Vernon. March was such a challenging month that forced me to grow up and really find out who I am. I am glad to have had the support from the people I did (looking at you Rouen ward. You guys rock. Also my parents. You rock.), and I am glad for the Febvre family. Thanks for taking me in on such short notice. I’m glad I got to stay with you guys for my last four months in France. You made it incredible.
April was a month of nonstop adventure. I got to go skiing in Avoriaz, which is a ski resort in the Alps that doesn’t allow cars. Basically, you get to take horse-drawn carriages everywhere that you either can’t walk or ski to. I got to take my girls to an ice skating party where we ate a lot of gummy bears and laughed our heads off. I tried skiing down a 100 yard slope on skis that were gigantic and really enjoyed it. I got to read a book while sitting in the snow because I could. I ate tartiflette in the ALPS. WHAT.
Then, I went to a huge festival celebrating Napoleon III. I should have taken more pictures or even spent more time admiring everything that was there, even though I spent a whole day from dawn to dusk in Vichy, being transported back to the 1890s and getting to watch an actual Imperial ball. That was absolutely incredible. But dang, those Bonapartes really had a thing for Julius Caesar. It’s almost like they didn’t realize what had happened to him.
The next weekend, I went to the huge Star Wars convention in Cusset and that is the time I walked past George Lucas without even realizing that it was him. It was super cool to see everyone all dressed up, and my favorite moment was when Indiana Jones and Han Solo were talking to each other. I just really loved that convention.
The next Sunday, R had a birthday party to go to and we took the whole family since we had been invited to eat at a friend’s house. So we did that and then later, I got to pretend to storm a castle with my little Kylo Ren and his buddy Darth Vader and it was really fun to do that. That was April for me. A huge burst of fun and adventure with my brand new family.
May went by pretty uneventfully until the last weekend. But I also went to Lyon and fell in love with how beautiful of a city it is. I didn’t get to do much because of the weather and because I was with students who lived there, but I really liked the city and I want to go back as soon as I can.
Anyway, Cusset had a HUGE medieval festival and it was so so cool to walk through the town in the way it was originally constructed. I got to visit a medieval spa, market, and I got to shoot a crossbow. May was cool and I am really hoping I can go back to Cusset for that festival again in 2017.
June was absolutely endless. It was filled with evenings of rehearsals that I would dutifully take my girls to. They had a beautiful performance, and soon after, they had their school fair, where we played games and talked to friends and just enjoyed our time before school got out. At the end of June was R’s birthday. We went to a ropes course by her grandma’s house and I had a lot of fun walking the kids through. When we finished, we ate cake and then watched a movie together.
July was really rough on me. I was leaving France soon and I honestly felt like I didn’t have enough time to do what I wanted. It sucked, but I did my best to enjoy whatever time I had left. I got to ride a horse. I got to explore Clermont-Ferrand. I went to Correze. And I got to see my sister before she went on her giant adventure. July was hard, but it was filled with incredible things.
In August, I found myself back in Utah, trying to find a job. That was really stressful to me for some reason, but I ended up at a French Immersion Elementary school where I assist in fourth grade and often substitute in the French classes. It is really awesome. The students are really kind and never fail to make me smile, even if I’m having a bad day. I really like the sixth graders in the French class. I like subbing their class and getting to have good, academic discussions with them in French. They’re great kids and I’m glad I get to be in their school every day.
September and October were pretty fun. I hung out with my coworkers on weekends and got to do things I never would normally do. We also made pizza for the neighborhood, which was really fun.
In November, I picked up a new job at a catering company where I’ve made some awesome new friends and have had some great laughs. I also went to Orlando to visit my best friend and I fell in love with the magic of Harry Potter all over again in Universal. What a cool place to be. I got to eat half a chicken, drank butterbeer and pumpkin juice, and I found out that I am a Slytherin. Universal was super cool and I’m glad I got to go.
This month was a whirlwind of work and play. For the first three weeks of the month, I did nothing but go to work, then go to work, and then sleep. I felt like I had no time to study for my class, but I pulled through with a B+ so that’s all that matters. I met some new people who I really hope I can hang out with more and I also got to catch up with some old friends, which was really fun. I went to ZooLights with coworkers for a work party (catering company) and became an honorary fourth grade teacher. I think. I hang out with the fourth grade teachers all the time, so I think that’s what happened at our luncheon. I think I’m an honorary fourth grade teacher. We’ll see what happens when I get my degree, but for right now, I like fourth graders.
Also, last Friday was the BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE because I got to see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone while the symphony played the score. It was FABULOUS. Like, I got to do a Harry Potter-ish thing two months in a row! WOW! And I absolutely loved it. Then, Christmas was a little rough since I wasn’t in France. I was happy to be home, but the one thing I really wanted most this Christmas was to be in France and to be in a place that is very familiar to me. Basically, I miss France and I’m not sorry about it. Tonight, I’m going to a friend’s so we can go to a party at the U to ring in the New Year!
I hope you all have a great new year and that you all have fun celebrating!
It’s the first Saturday in September and the weather is what September should feel like– cool and crisp.
I come downstairs for breakfast, in one of my favorite dresses, a dark blue blazer on my shoulders.
When I walk into the dining room, Armelle whistles, then says, “You look beautiful.”
I smile, excited to know that she likes me. At least, I hope she does.
“This afternoon is the baptism,” she says. “Why are you dressed for it already?”
“I just wanted to wear a dress,” I say, going to grab a plate and silverware from the kitchen, since a place hasn’t been set for me.
“Well, it’s lovely. As you know, I am going to be Albane’s godmother, so we will all go to the baptism together. Marine is, of course, having a small party afterward, but not everyone can go. It’s normally just for immediate family and the godparents’ families. Since you are not part of our family, I put some pizza in the freezer so that you can have dinner tonight. There are also DVDs in my office since our WiFi is down.”
“Thank you,” I say politely, tearing off a piece of the baguette and putting it on my plate. I eat silently as the girls and their father stare at me.
Later, as we are all preparing to go to the baptism, Armelle corners me and tells me I must treat the priest with the utmost respect, as if I wouldn’t have had she not told me to. She ran me through how to say hello to him.
“You say, ‘Bonjour Monsieur L'abbé’.”
“Bonjour Monsieur l'abeille,” I say quickly, not aware that I’m calling him a bee.
“No. Say 'abbé’.”
“Abbé.”
“Bonjour Monsieur L'abbé.”
“Bonjour MonsieuR L'abbé.”
She sighs and rolls her eyes. “There is no R in monsieur. Try again. Faster.”
“Bonjour Monsieur l'abeille.”
She shakes her head, obviously frustrated that I can’t grasp this simple concept.
“Try again.”
“Bon-jour Mon-sieur L'a-bbé.”
“Faster.”
“Bonjour Monsieur L'abeille.”
She sighs again. “You’ll do fine I guess. Go get an umbrella and take Pauline and Marie to the cathedral.”
So, I’ve been in the US for three weeks now. And I am already ready to go back to France. That’s probably not surprising for anyone.
I have had a rough time adjusting to speaking mostly English every day, but at the same time, I don’t have to speak English all day every day because of where I’m working. I’d had my heart set on working in a French Immersion preschool up at the University of Utah, but I was not able to work there because I’m still in school, so I hope I’ll be able to go and volunteer when I want.
But anyways, I have good news.
The good news is that I am working in a French immersion school. I am an aide and I get to speak French every single day because I work with French people. It is ridiculously fabulous. I am working on making friends with the French aide, who is my age. Since the French aren’t friends right away, I’m still 100% in the process of making friends with him. I think we’ll be friends. We went to the RSL game last Saturday and he brought another French buddy of his, who has been here for two weeks. So, we hung out on Saturday night and I hope that we’ll get to hang out more often because I had a lot of fun and they are great guys. It also would probably help me get out of the house more because I am very much a homebody even though I want to change that.
I got a really cute email postcard from my host family in Vichy. They sent me photos of their trip in Greece and it made me happy to see that they were happy on vacation. I miss them tons already and I haven’t really been able to talk to them lately, so hopefully soon, I’ll get to Skype with them, which would make me super happy since they are seriously some of my favorite people on this planet.
Um, but that’s what’s happening right now in my life. Just working at a job I adore and working for my family business, which I also adore.
I do not want to leave. I knew coming into this that I would have to leave because of my Visa, but now it’s the middle of July and I wish I had opted for a two year visa so that I could stay longer.
Getting ready to leave the one place in the world I call home is so hard because I’m not ready and I will never be ready. I already knew France was my home after I spent two months here after graduation. And now I have to leave it again, even though I know I am going to come back as soon as it is physically and realistically possible. I am completely at home here. I have better control over my mental health. I feel completely à l'aise. I have no fear.
I am so grateful for the experience I had. I made mistakes, but I learned from them and grew into an incredibly strong young woman. I still have two weeks left at home and I am going to make the most of them. I have absolutely loved getting to know France and I cannot wait until I am able to stay without worrying about when I have to catch a plane to Salt Lake.
THis was written on May 29th and I only posted photos and not the post. oops.
Renaissance Fairs are the reason that everyone loves life. I mean, princesses, princes, dashing peasant boys, and lady knights, who are the epitome of everything. I mean, they’re lady knights. I would be a lady knight if I could be. Like Joan of Arc. I would be a lady knight like Joan of Arc.
But yesterday and today, I went to a Renaissance fair with my host family and it was really fun. Almost everyone was dressed up– and being in France, it actually made sense to hold a Renaissance fair because the buildings are all from the Middle Ages and so it actually feels like you’ve gone back in time. It was similar to the Napoleon III festival since all of the architecture in Vichy fits right along with the 19th century. In Cusset, the architecture goes extremely well with the 13th century, so seeing everyone in period costume walking around a real medieval town was really cool.
I got to see a cute mini-farm with a ton of baby animals, I saw a Minotaur and his companion (who was barefoot holy crap) and a ton of lady knights. There were also male knights, but most of the actual fighting and stuff was done by lady knights, which was really cool.
We first made a stop in the Court of Miracles, where there were tons of medieval games and a really cool Inn set up where there was a bread oven and you could drink spiced apple or grape juice. Then, I sat with the kids while the city librarians read a ton of stories about knights and princesses while my host parents walked around the festival by themselves. After the story, I went and played some “jeux d’époque” with the kids. They had lots of fun with the games and then they decided they wanted to get their faces painted. While we were waiting in line, my host parents came back and told us that we were going to go and watch a bear do tricks, so the kids couldn’t get their faces painted. They were sad for a moment, but then realized there was a bear to see.
Unfortunately, we missed the bear show by 30 minutes and so decided to take a stroll through the festival together.
I walked through the town a little bit with my host family and then found myself very attracted to the crossbow shooting stand, so I walked over to see if I could have a shot at it. It turns out I am pretty okay. There was a guy next to me who was very cocky about his ability to hit the target because he’d shot a crossbow before, but I hit the target more times than he did. I don’t know if it’s because I took my time or because I took a second to pretend I was Katniss, but it was pretty fab. There was a little girl watching me and her dad kept saying “wow look at that lady, she’s doing really well! So can you!” and it just made me very happy to know that she was being encouraged to shoot a crossbow. My host dad took a video, so when I have that, I’ll make sure to post it.
Then, I caught up with my host family and we talked to the farmer who brings us all of our vegetables and eggs and meat since he was roasting a whole pig for the festival. Then, he let me baste the pig with cider and honey. I almost let the stick fall into the fire. Considering it was soaked in alcohol, that would have been disastrous. But it did not fall into the fire and so all is well. But it was so much fun to help cook.
Then, R and Kylo Ren found the horses and knights! We watched them battle a lady knight on a golden horse and it was so much fun. A lot of the festival was made for kids and so they had so much to do. It was super fun for them. Then, we decided to go see a bird show and I saw a majestic bald eagle up close (‘MURICA). And also a vulture flew over my head. That freaked me out a bit. Then, my host family decided to head home, but I wanted to stay longer, so I headed back into the fair since earlier, I had seen a group of girls and I thought, “hmm, since they all appear to love history as much as me, I will try to find them and talk to them because maybe we could be friends!”
I have one friend in Vichy and she’s going home on Tuesday. I really need friends.
I managed to find them and they danced for a little bit in the pouring rain, which was pretty cool. Like, it was storming and they were like “no problem! Let’s dance!” I took a short video of them dancing and then after, asked where they were from because if they were from Vichy, I would for sure have asked them to hang out. However, they are from Clermont-Ferrand, which is an hour drive/ thirty minute train ride away, so it’s not exactly practical for friendship. At this point, it started storming in earnest and being in a dress-up princess cape, I needed to get home as soon as possible so that I wouldn’t be sopping wet when I got home. I was sopping wet when I got home, but I’d had so much fun that I didn’t care. The only problem there is that I idiotically did not get any names or phone numbers from any of the girls to even try a friendship. That’s fun.
Today, I went back to the fair with my host family to watch the bear do tricks. It was pretty cool. His name is Valentin and he is a Canadian Black Bear from the United States. If that makes any sense. He was super cute and I was too small to take pictures without people being in my way, but if you look up “Bravo Valentin” on Facebook, you can see pictures. Then I said “a tout à l’heure!” to my host family and took off into the fair for the afternoon. I saw a bunch of stuff that I’d seen yesterday, then stumbled upon a medieval spa and hair salon. I got my hair done in a braided crown and it really suits my inner princess. I also have the perfect color of hair for me to be considered a romantic medieval beauty, or so they told me. Then, I found a calligraphy tent. Never in my life have I been more content than to sit for an hour and perfect my calligraphy. I didn’t realize I had spent an hour at the table until the “maitresse” asked how I was doing after an hour. Finally, I realized that I should probably go home because it was 6 on a Sunday night and I’d spent all of it doing something I enjoyed immensely, so I needed to write all of it down.
I will continue with the series of posts after this unscheduled break.
